Help! My coffee machine has turned me into Gwyneth Paltrow
Look, I have no interest in celebrity-endorsed products. I’ll use my own judgement and instincts to decide what I want to buy, thank you very much. The whole thing is a con; buying something thing a celebrity also owns is hardly going to turn me into said celebrity, is it? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. Buying the same pen as Barack Obama isn’t going to turn me into Barack Obama.
Kylie Jenner wants me to drink Pepsi? No, thanks – I’ll have a Coke. Roger Federer thinks Nike’s new socks are the bees knees? Not bothered. Gwyneth Paltrow is in love with her coffee maker? Couldn’t care less, mate.
Speaking of the latter, today I learned that Ms. Paltrow swears by the same coffee machine as me. According to Homes & Gardens, she’s a big fan of Technivorm’s Moccamaster KBGV Select. I’m a big fan of Technivorm’s Moccamaster KBGV Select too. I’ve written about it on this very website more than once.
But I would like to make it clear that my patronage of said excellent coffee maker was in no way influenced by the Sliding Doors star. I even bought it when it was full price, rather than waiting until today’s Prime Day deals which have brought it down from $359 to $314.
I bought it because it’s a great machine. Its almost worth the asking price for the design alone. It’s one of the most beautiful coffee machines in the world – this thing wouldn’t look out of place in a kitchen from any of the last five decades. And it helps that the filter coffee produced by this 10-cup beauty is always delicious.
However, I am starting to ask questions about some subtle changes I have observed in myself since buying the Moccamaster just over a year ago. My hair has since transformed into an impossibly glossy, centre-parted California-blonde. My skin has taken on a permanent post-yoga glow. My wardrobe has become entirely linen and beige. The number of candles in my home has increased exponentially. I wear a constant serene smile that seems to say, “I haven’t eaten sugar since 2012.” I have started saying things like “I feel so aligned right now,” or, “This vibration just isn’t serving me.”
In other words, I am starting to wonder if, in a Sliding Doors moment of my own, when I bought that Moccamaster, I, a 34 year-old man, started to turn into Gwyneth Paltrow. And it is too late to stop it. So dependent am I on my coffee machine that I am no longer able to consciously uncouple from it. I may as well just start building my sexual wellness empire right now.
So, yes, I have changed my mind. Celebrity marketing is entirely authentic and genuine. If you buy a product a famous person has endorsed, you will absolutely turn into that person. So, if you want to make like me and become Gwyneth, you might want to take advantage of this, or one of the many other Prime Day coffee maker deals.
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